The OC

christmukka miracles @ 11:43 p.m. on December 16, 2004

ok today has been weird. i just dont know what to make of anything, and that seems to be the theme of my life right now!

i am confused, and im not. i am, because of the whole taking it slow ting. and believe me id prefer to have things move a little quicker, perhaps at a snails pace, even. but then something else gets thrown into the mix. and then that blows my mind. and its not so much that, its more or less a comment about maturity that threw me off. i dont even know what the comment means. i could just be "flying off the handle" as they ssay. but i dont care to further analyze it. well im sure i will in my mind, anyways. urgh! I just dont wnat things to move backwards, i want them to move forwards! soooo badly! more then anything! Thats my christmas wish!

Which brings me to my next topic. Chrismukka. tonight on the OC was the christmukka episode. And once again, there was a christmukka miracle. Why cant i have one?! I thought my car was the christmukka miracle. i really hope not. i mean i am happy that i was able to get my car, i really do love it. but i would really like something else. its funny, this is so not me. i cant believe christmas is only how many days away and i dont even care! It means nothing to me! Because im missing one thing. i can buy everything i asked for for christmas, its not like i cant get it myself. i know xmas is sipposed to be about giving. and thats true, i dont think of it like mem me me or anything. i love the feeling of giving presents, i love the xmas movies, the music, i love the atmosphere. but this year, pssshhhh, i dont even care. ive still bought presents for everyone, ive still listened to a few xmas songs, ive still eaten xmas cookies, and watched the christmukka episode. but when it all comes down to it, nothing is going to make christmas, CHRISTMAS for me, nothing material. i guess this time of year can make people depressed. and i never really knew why. i did and then at the same time, i thought but its such a cheery holiday. yeah so what! that mgiht make it worse! And the funny thing is, it wasnt even cheery on the oc either. it ended nicely, with the mirale, but not cheery. urgh who feels like spiked egg nogg? i do! i think i shall drink my face off riiiight now. i have "new years" alcohol in my car. i think i will go get it and drink now. yes that sounds like a ton of fun to me.

Ť || ť