The OC

urggghhh @ 1:09 p.m. on December 20, 2004

sooooooooooooooooo i am very bored right now. i am waiting for the plummer to leave so i can have a shower. i am so hungry too! i cant wait to go and eat something.

i thought that my day was starting off well. i got a call from my insurance lady, and she said that my insurance company dropped the accident from my record, and my insurance went down about $1500. so now im paying 2400 a year instead of 3900 a year. So thats about 200 a month and not 325 a month. WOO i saved some money. so yeah i am happy.

but then i went back to bed for a while, go tup, and just fowund out that my day was not going to get any better then that. that was the best news id probably get for the remainder of this year. i cannot wait until this year is over. everyday im feeling worse and worse. why do i do this to myself? i am so hurt, anmd im sorry just doesnt cut it. i dont need im sorrys, i dont need to hear what a great person i am. all i need is the truth.all i need is an answer, which apparently i am never going to get. like i said before, i gain so much ground, and then i lose it all again. did i do soemthing wrong? was i NOT supposed to go over? am i not the whole "martuity" thing? am i just not supposed to care? i have gone thorugh so much trying to get this, i cant even explain. i dont even want to, because if he read this hed probably use it as an argument against me, not as a compliment, or my willingness to make it up. urgh. and u know what? i have said im sorry too many times. im sorry! ok! im sorry! but now its not up to me anymore! All this asking what i think should be done. isnt it freaking fucking obiosu by now!?? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i am so sick of this. thats it. im done. im done maing the effort. im done stressing myself out over this. if he doesnt want me, then thats his loss, because i KNOW i am worth the squeeze. HE apparently doesnt.

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