The OC

merry freaking christmas @ 8:52 a.m. on December 25, 2004

merry christmas.

i feel like a spoiled brat, but i am just not happy with anything this morning. i got a few things i asked for, but once again, my mom but stuff i didnt have on my list, and stuff i dont really want as much. every year this happens. and im a bitch, i know.

plus i was woken up at 7:30, and well that makes me grumpy on its own. and my sister gets spoiled every year. and my brother and sister got more then me, partly because i was given $400 back in november for the taxes on my car as part of my christmas present. once again, i know, im a spoiled brat.

but i think the root of the problem is, what i really wanted, more then anything material, was brian. more then any gift that could have possibly been under the tree. more then tha gone with the wind box set. more than the clothes, more than that 70s show dvd. more than anything. and i did not get it. christmas isnt over yet, but i know that in my heart, that i am not getting what i really wanted.

i even asked him if he wanted me to call on christmas day. "i dont knwo where ill be, and i have to devide my time between two families," he says. yeah merry christmas. it would take all of maybe 5 minutes to do this, and since when is he attached to his family at the hip? he cant call? or even send a text message? after all thats been going on this week? this is too much?! THAT, a simple phone call , was too much to ask for?

he says he hasnt made up his mind yet. he still cant decide. i guess he has, really. maybe he just doesnt want to tell me, because he doesnt want to hurt me, i dont know... but i need to know. not that id ever stop caring or wanting this, but its like such a tease. and i really really dont know what to do with myself anymore. god, i have prayed for this sooo much! Why is it that people get things that they dont deserve? that people lie and cheat and do whatever it is in their power to get what they want when they clearly dont deserve it, and they get it? its just not fair! its freaking christmas. and this is what im thinking! i know spoiled brat, im not even greatful, right? i am greatfull, i am. but im just not happy. this is the truth, and if anyone doesnt liek it, then fuck u. i dont care what anyone thinks of me. if someone thinks im depressing. i really dont give a fuck anymore. TRY LIVING MY LIFE before u say that what i write here is depressing. i dont walk around like a zombie, im not crying all day if thats what some people think. but sooner or later im just really really going to have to realize all of this. and i ahvent really realized it yet. maybe because when u love somone, when u REALLY really love someone, u dotn give up. u fight the impossible, its unconditional. or maybe its just stupidity. who knows. my brain tells me this fight is impossible and ur only going to make things worse. my heart says there is a chance, and believes that this will happen again. maybe i have to believe it. who knows. i have no clue about this anymore. eveery day is a different sign.

and here i am christmas morning, and all i ever wanted was this man. since i was 16 years old. and 5 years later, im still crying over it figuratively). and thats all i want for christmas, was to hear that he cares too. even remotely the same. so forgive me if i seem bitter or depressing, or ungrateful, but its christmas morning, and everyone got their gifts that they asked for, and the one and only thing that i wanted,, i didnt get.

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