The OC

hanging my a rope @ 11:48 p.m. on January 05, 2005

i just had a very thought provocing (spelling?!) conversation with a friend tonight. and it made me think a few things that i hadnt thought of before, and a few things that were expanded from what i had thought before. about fate, and destiny, and about what would make me happier as a person, as a whole. im not quite sure if i even know fully what would be enough. i thought i knew, but now im not quite sure. as ive said before talking to friends about my poroblems and whatevr, its not neccisarily to make my mind up for me, its more of an oppinion i guess. to either back up mine, or to look at things a different way. and although i do look at things from all angles, this sorta gave me a few other angles to look at. mabe a different side to the angles i looked at ! lol that soundsfunny doesnt it...

she told me something that she said was so obvious, but so true, and that is to work on the things that i can control. which i know, of course, but there are a few things i really havent been focusing on. little things. like i have cut down on all of the careless spending of my money. and to be completely honest, if this problem with my cars hadnt happened a month before christmas, i would have been completely fine. but it did happen at christ,as, so deal with it, right?? so now, those are some small things that owuld be good to focus on. i need to lower my credit card bills. i need to work on that. and then i can save more money, to eventually move out, because i would love to move out. that is a big goal for me. i need to be out on my own. whether that be with a boyfriend, or with a friend, i really want to move out. and then theres my car. i want to pay off my loan as soon as possible. before the loan time is up. my goal would be to have it paid off in three years. that would be fantastic. i would like to get a new job. i have already applied at a few places. and of course i would love to have my dream job. that would be awesome. its funny, i take a gamble with my heart, but im a bit afraid to take a gamble with this. i dont know why.

i guess im just afraid that my worst fears are going to come true. like what was said tonight, if its fate, if its meant to be, for WHATEVER that may be, a job, car, house, boyfriend, it will just ahppen. that doesnt mean that no effort is required, but i shouldnt have to work so hard to make something ahppen. i dont think i was trying to work so hard to make it happen, just more or less show that i really do care, and i really do want that person. i really really wasnt trying to force anything. but it appears that it was percieved that way through many peoples eyes. its just ahrd for me to explain fully what i feel, and WHY.i knwo why, in my head, but then to try to get that across to a person i think, is hard for me. btu im starting to lose the faith.

i feel like, im a person whos hanging on to a rope thats the only thing thats keeping me up. and one by one, my fingers are slipping. and thats a horrible feeling, trying to keep urself up, and trying not to slip, but one by one, a finger lets go. and im either going to regain my strength, the rope will pull me up, or im just going to be down to one finger and fall, or im just gonna make a jump for it. which one its gonna be i dont know, right now ive probably got about 5 fingers holding on out of ten. but u can only be left hanging for so long.

so i think thats it. i think ive had enough philisophical talk for one night. and just think, all of this came from talking about one book about religion!

Ť || ť