The OC

wonderful day @ 11:17 p.m. on January 13, 2005

once again i have nothing interesting to write about. the same old shit i have been writing for about the past two months....

im sick to death of myself, and my thoughts. ecause i am afraid that i am wasting my time. my heart does not feel like i am, but im just *afraid* that i am. and who the hell am i kidding anyway? who ACTUALLY cares? no body. no body gives a shit. who wants to hear ad read the same old shit over and over again? not me. but yet i cant stop myself. im so sick to death of things not working out for me. im so sick of everything going shitty for myself. and the shitty part of it all is that i am doing a good chunk of it to myself. i just cant stop for some unknown reason.

i cant stop thinking. it will never go away. i hate the fact that i cannot just get this idea out of my head that things are gonna end happy for me. cause they wont. i wish i cold be like evryone else i know and not attacth feelings to anything or anyone. it would be sooooo much easier. so many of my freinds just let things roll off their back, and dont get attached to anything or any one. they dont care. they just simply dont care. and i wish i was like that. because then this wouldnt have to be so damned hard.

i just dont know what to do anymore. im so out of energy, physically and emotionally. i wish i could just give up. maybe thats the risk. kinda fucked up aint it? maybe thast the risk. cause thats the hardest thing for me. but then something in my head is telling me not to. i just dont understand, how can someone be so hell bent on getting something (friendship) back with someone who is an ASSHOLE in the REAL sense, and not see what is right in front of them? hwo can that mean nothing? how can i be "worth " the risk, but at the same time, not take that risk? how can that be possible? do u knwo how hurtfull the word no can be? just the word no? how that can just make u sick to ur stomach? make u never want to do anything? make u want to crawl in a hole and die? i never thought i would be this embarrassing. or the epitomy of stupid. i cant say ive changed enough. i cant even prove it! im not even given the chance! and i thought i had come so far. ... time, time is what is apparently needed. i hate time! time is not my friend! i dont deal well with timw and patience. i just dont. and that is the only thing i have to work with right now, and its just not fair. and what i want, and what he wants are just two different things. and every time i think i understand, its put another way and i just dont get it! i really just dont get it. or do i... i have no idea. maybe its me whos crazy. maybe im the asshole. i mean, come on... i seemed to fuck thinsg up preeettttyy bad at this point. look at all ive accomplished. ive drievn two friends away form each other (although friend a says its not me that made things happen, it was him not wanting to be friend b's friend,)and friend b wants to talk to friend a and prove that friend a is an asshole. so ive seemed to have created a disaster. and all i have ever wanted is damned friend b! and im sooo afraid more than anything that im not going to get friend b. i have never been afraid of anything more. and i am soooo angry at myself. i am so angry at myself for having feelings. i am so angry at myself for feeling like this. i am so angry at myself for going through with all of this. and i am so angry at god, for making this happen. because this is just not fair. a year ago tings were fine. perfectly fine. to a degree anyway. and now, now its all a mess.

and i for some reasoon have watched way to many movies, and am actually brainwashed by this hollywood BULLSHIT that anything is going to end up happy. i for some reason have gotten it in my head that things work themselves out, and that if u fight for someone hard enough, and long enough, that thinsg will end happy. i for some reason, think that i am going to get anywhere. i cannot get across enough how tired i am! how exhausted i am. how frustrated i am! and i dont give a fuck what anyone has to say about it this time, and whatever negative comments will arise in some double talk bullshit, because u obviously have no fucking clue about the whole fing story.

if i could just scream im sure things would be a lot better. at the top of my lungs.

i feel like i am ata fork in the road. like i have one of two choices. i can continue down this road, and risk it, or i can just take the other road, and just giveup. the first road is obviously not very smooth, and i have no fucking clue where it will take me. its dark, there is little sunshine, and looks liek it will be a long friggen drive. the second road ive heard is bright, however i do not see that, i ahve o clue where that one will take me either, but looks like it might be a little smoother. or so i hear. but i can say this, neither one will make me happy right away. so its like, which one do i bother taking? does it even matter?

i always thought that if u just told people that u care, and that u love them, that things will be fine. and that if u loev someone enough that that would make things ok, and that everything would end up ok. but thats just not the case here. if anything its hurt the situation more. i feel like such a fool! i would never reccomend this to anyone. im just really angry and upset and hurt right now. and the shitty part about it all is that when i wake up in the morning, im going to have to go to price chopper. yeah.. thats a sobering thought. but i have booked an appointment at an agency for monday morning.

anyways, i dont know who im mad at, exactly why im mad, and what the hell im going to do about it. cause theres really not a lot to do about it. just being angry and hurt, and thats no fun. infact thats pretty shitty. and now im just rambling on about absolutely nothing.

i think im just mad, that as bad as this is gonna sound, EVERYONE around me has something. they have something to hodl on to. whether thats a fiancee, a chold, a husband, a job that they love, a raise, or even someone that loves them enough to go through this torture, i have NOTHING. i have nothing to hold on to. i am just an idiot, who thinks that things *might* go my way. i might as well be a friggen alcoholic. that might be a little more fun, and have a reason, like a good solid reason for why theyre an idiot. what do i have, no reason. but they say all is fair in love and war, right? so all of this is fair......

well now that i have written this, i thinkive come to the conclusion of what the problem really is. that i am afraid to think that i am not worht anything, and that my feelings are not vallidated, or fuck whats the word...... theyre not felt back from him. maybe i am just upset that i am not that the person for him. i have no clue what this "amazing" discovery was that i just thought. i have no clue. im on crack. i just dotn get it, why am i not enough? why am i not worht the risk? why am i not worth tryingfor? if i am "worth " it, then why not try it? why not doooooo it? i am so unbelievably hurt its not even funny. and here i am making an ass out of myself. urrrghhhhh! i obviously cant even get my point across right now in this, i cant even come up with the words in my head, so im just gonna stop writing now.

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