The OC

- @ 7:28 p.m. on February 04, 2005

ok well i hate doing this whole training support thing. i get so bored, and i want to shoot myself in the head!!!!! i always have to drive so far too. this weekend im in scarborough.

ok so i really feel like i am the last resort sometimes. like, im a hassle or like i dont really matter much at all. and its so hard to let that NOT get to me. i try and be super nice, and have a positive outlook, and to no avail. it still gets me nowhere. and sometimes im not going to lie it frustrates the hell out of me. Whats wrong with me? fuking nothing, thats whats wrong with me. and one day someone else is going to come along, while someone else is sitting on their ass and not doing anything about this and their going to regret it.

but then i think HA! WOW! how self absorbed am i??? To actually think that someone will regret not being with me? Who am I to actually think that? Why do i seem to think i am like the best thing ever? i dont really.... but my actions sure say so. why am i so damn persistant? my head is saying stop u fing idiot! STOP for the love of GODDDDDDDDDDDDD. but then i also have no will power. and that over powers me every time. i need will power. or like a miracle. or something i dont know. but im afraid i make the situation worse every time. not to mention my feelings. i end up just pissing myself off with the response or answer i get in return. just because i dont know..... i tried to make a nice offer, knowing that his back is hurt and all that. but no. hes playing hockey. so im cut out AGAIN. wow what a surprise.

so im sorta annoyed right now. just because im so stupid. im so sick of feeling like this its not even funny. how much time does one person need to get over a fear? or to think about if they want to be with a person or not? its not that difficult! i didnt think so anyways. URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that was me screaming btw.

oh yes on a side note, i was exlcluded from a "group" event this week. it appears i am not good enough to ask out...... oh well.

so despite everyhting my horoscope has said to me lately, nothing appears to be going that way. fun fun. yes.

now im off.

Ť || ť