The OC

pissed off! @ 11:47 p.m. on February 23, 2005

i am not in a good mood right now. im in more of a shitty mood. i have had like the worst day ever.

i got lost in toronto. not really lost, but more or less passed the street i was going to. and to make matters worse, i passed the street i needed on the way home too. and im in a pissy mood.

and my day didnt start off to nicely either. i dont know why im such a loser, why im such a stupid idiot. i feel so stupid. im so nieve. i just dont know what it takes to get me to just smarten up. anbd i feel really really bad, because ive only done this to myself. as always. and what i hate the most is that everyone around me can see it, and thinks im an idiot too.

i wish i could just disappear. i wish i could just start everyhting all over again. i wish i could drive my car into a poll. i wish that nothing was the way it is right now, and i dont know how to make it right. i dont like running from my problems, but maybe thats the only way to make things right. and im so jealous! sooooo jealous. and that is killing me more. its better to be jealous of something u dont even know, or people that get something even as small as attention that u dont even know, rather than the people that u do. and all i feel like doing right now is just screaming and crying, and niether of which i can actually do. and im so angry.

im soooo angry at god, because i have sacrificed sooo much that only a few ppl know and more than i can even let him know, but what do i get in return? all of this self sacrifice has gotten me nowhere. and its exhausting. i know im not dying, i know my body is still in one piece, i know that i am still living and breathing and have a roof over my head, and a "nice" car to drive, and that im not horribly in debt, that i have friends and a job, and that i have family. but i still feel like i have nothing. like the one thing that i have been asking for FOREVER i am not allowed. no matter what i have done to try to get it, unlike others i have seen, i have gone about it in the more honorable way, and i get nothing. i get to look like a crazy stupid girl, and get nothing. and its not fair. what am i doing this lent thing for? i know its not supposed to be about me and what i get in return and all that bullshit, but come on! i have sacrificed so much. and i have gone thorugh so much, and i get little back. and i am soooo mad at god for that, whether or not free will is involved. because i still am in so much pain, more than anyone could possibly know. and at least that , should be able to be stopped by god. if nothing else. and i am so weak, i have no strength to fight any longer.

i havent eaten anything of any substance since maybe sunday night. ive eaten a few vanilla oreos, a tiny but of left over kd between monday morning and tuesday evening, and today i ate a twix bar. litterally nothing else. i have lived off of juice and red bull. i am wired, for absolutely no reason other than the caffine. and i am not hungry, not in the least bit. the thought of food makes me want to puke, but what to puke up i have no clue cause nothing is in my stomach. i cant sleep, for stress reasons, because of work and other family problems. and i cant even escape the thoughts all day at work, because all i do is stand there and think. think think think. thats all i do. answer a question, do a refund, follow the cash office staff up to their office to do a pick up, talk if they want to talk, and right back down onto the floor and think. the car ride there- think. the car ride home- think. i need a break from thinking! thats all i do!

im driving myself nuts. all these problems i have in my life right now, many of which NO ONE knows. and i just dont have the energy or desire to tell anyone. and i feel like shit. i feel like im a horrible person, because i think im better than people. i feel like a horrible daughter because i cant even have a normal conversation with my own mother. i feel like im stupid with most conversations i have with people i dont even want to open my mouth anymore. no matter what i say or do im judged by everyone. Im not smart enough to cook, so im not allowed to cook when no ones home except for kd, which i have no desire to make anyways, the thought of eating repulses me and the thought of doing dishes is too tiring. no one thinks im smart enough for the highway, so they think im automatically gonna get lost - and today my defence is the damn street signs on Queen st in TO are horribly small and Northcote is NOT the street that the Parkdale PC is on, its really on Gladstone so I dont know WHY its written down as Northcote. Besides that i am pretty damn good at following damn directions, i dont need to be talked to like im a moron.

apparently im too dumb to knwo how to do a lot of things, and some things i cant even remember right now, but i have felt like the stupidist person lately. no body trusts my own judgement. what the hell?!? Just because i might say a few stupid things here and there doesnt make me stupid! i wish people would start treating me with a bit more respect i dont know... im just sick of looking like an idiot.

im not as dumb as i look, infact im probably a lot smarter than most people think.

im just really angry and upset and frustrated right now. and i think that makes me weak to be that way. like a child, and here i am saying im not a child.

and contrary to waht some apparently believ i do not thrive on drama, or liek it for that matter. I DO NOT WANT DRAMA. id much rather have my life be ncie and uncomplicated thanks. id liek to be able to eat even a snack without my stomach turning, and be able to sleep through a night without horrible nightmares or to even sleep period!

i realize after i write somehting as bitchy as this i seem a bit neurotic. im not. this is the stuff everyoen thinks in their head just no body writes it.

i just want to be happy. one way or another, i just want to be happy.

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