The OC

- @ 1:00 a.m. on May 09, 2005

ok so i did something last week that was bad. or said something that was bad anyways. well as soon as i said it i knew i shouldnt have. and it wasnt because i was jealous, or because im a heartless bitch, or because i dont understand or that i dont care. it was just a thought that had popped into my head. and i do feel really bad. but i dont think its worth ignoring me over. i just think that thats a bit much. maybe ok for like a day or so, but all weekend? i feel like shit! i feel horrible. ive eaten like nothing, i feel sick, and im so tired but i cant sleep. this just isnt fair. what i said wasnt really fair oeither and i knwo that.

but see, i wasnt saying it for any particular reason, like telling the person not to go, because i really do think that he should have done what he was supposed to do. i just thought and said it. and it was a comment that maaaaybe was a little disrespectfull, but im sorry, and i said it a million times. i just feel like shit. and im so frustrated right now. because i dont know how to reverse this situation. i wish i never said it. and now im being compared to a stupid girl, when its not that case at all. i just wish i was maybe even given the chance to explain. or maybe that he would just forget about it, as he had told me to do. i did, i dropped it, but he wont now. well, he wont in the form of ignoring me. so im confused as to what i should do. well, not really confused, just upset. upset cause i hate being ignored, and he knows this. which makes it even worse. i really didnt have bad intentions. i really honestly didnt. i did think that he whoudl go, i honestly did. but i guess that doesnt matter. because im always wrong lately. wrong and mad apparently.

but im really never that mad, if i am mad. if im pissed, then i get pissed, and 5 minutes later im fine. unless its somehting big and im pissed off for a while. but i really cant be mad very long. and for that matter, i really dont get that mad! but when u talk to someone through msn and text msgs, it might look like ur mad wehn ur not, and then that person seems to get mad at me cause he thinks im mad at him. urgh. this is why we invented phones, isnt it? or normal communication?

this has done such wonders for me. i feel like shit, and i feel horrible. i just wish i didnt. i wish i never said what i did i guess. and sorry doesnt seem to mean anything at all either. and that sucks. urgh. i just hate myself sometimes. i am my own worst enemy. well, i guess im off to bed, to think about this for another few hours, then ill finally fall asleep, and wake up at 8 am for the drs appt. greeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. maybe 4 hours sleep... oh wait its 1 am. so maybe 2 or 3? :S

Ť || ť